Important Articles

In answer to a “Thought of the Day” (below), read my essay (further below):
“Is America the new Roman Empire? .. and as such, what will eventually be its undoing?
(this is the first in what i hope to be a bi/tri/trans-daily pondering… just trying to see what type of response i get [if any])”

Hopefully it will educate and amuse. If you have no interest in history/politics, or are just a dullard in general, read it anyway!

America is NOT the new Roman Empire. It is actually only the OLD Zenatropian Empire, which crumbled in the year 3826 ABG (”After tha BG”, a member of the rap-group turned fanatical cult ‘Cash Money Millionaires,’ which was en vogue around the turn of the 21st century AD.) The empire reached it’s zenith around 3500 ABG with it’s scientist’s discovery of “Stone Cold Fusion,” developed by professors at the Steve Austin Univeristy of Science, Industry, and Professional Wrestling. This gave Zenatrops access to seemingly endless energy to fuel their economy, most notably their literally explosive sex-toy industry, whose products were said to produce in it’s clients orgasms so intense that some users actually spontaneously combusted.
Unfortunately for that nation’s inhabitants, all this prosperity came to a crashing halt starting in 3800 ABG, when a fanatical sect of what came to be known as “BGism” encouraged large portions of society to accept the prophets teachings and “drop outta hiii schoo’ and git into that rap thang!” This resulted in a huge drop in the level of average education that manifested itself in the election of a chimpanzee as President in the year 3812.
(To be fair to the voters, and the chimp himself, the population’s average IQ was so low at this point, that the chimp had only slightly below-average intelligence, a far cry from the smarts gap between ordinary citizens and their mentally-handicapped elected officials in, for example, the 21st century, the era of tha BG.)
This foolish failure of democracy was unable to right itself because the chimp, nearly mad with the fear that this position usually reserved for homo sapiens would soon be taken away from him, quickly consolidated military power and media ownership and created a totalitarian state practically overnight. Binky the Howling then employed the Teamster’s Union (whose membership now consisted solely of gorillas, recently freed from city zoos under an act rammed through a legislature comprised solely of banana slugs) to crush any human demonstrations of opposition.
With insects controlling the legislature and 9 cardboard boxes on the supreme court (all appointed by President Binky, despite the fact that none of the 9 human judges currently serving had yet retired), Binky was free to pass any such bill he wished. This absolutism was ultimately his downfall when, on a lark, he passed a measure allowing himself to be fired out of a cannon a la a circus stunt he had seen his great uncle, Chimpazarius Monkeyshines, whom Binky had always admired greatly, perform while drunk on Absolut Banana.
The cannon, instead of being directed onto a net above a pool of water as directed by Binky’s aids, was shot directly into the side of the Washington monument by a subversive group of anti-Simian students. Following this assassination (know afterwards as “Splatty Sunday”), the country split into civil war between rival factions who had previously been supressed under Binky’s rule. Eventually, peace was made between the human HOH (”Homos for Homos”) party and the simian PLO (Primate Liberation Organization) group, and a joint coalition government was formed.
However, this would not last long as both groups cited political differences and in-fighting began. The apes wanted to lower fruit import tariffs, abolish zoos, legalize same-sex lice grooming, and were antagonized by the humans unwillingness to take their party as a serious political force. The humans were virulently anti-same-sex lice grooming, had pressure from local farmers to keep foreign produce out, and would make mocking whooping noises anytime an ape leader stood up to speak.
These opposing viewpoints ultimately led to a coalition rift out of which arose a brutal gorilla general by the name of Gorito Muscellini. His thugs, know as “brown-backs”, with force, quieted those protesting his fascist methods of governance. With increasingly bellicose statements of gorilla genetic superiority, Muscellini invaded New Canada which he claimed, ironically to history students of the 20th century ‘Cold War’, to be full of “commie pinko homos” because of the human system of socialized medicine in New Canada.
Unfortunately for the fledging dictator, Muscellini forgot that 1) New Canada was seperated from Zenatropia by a good 8000 miles of ocean and that 2) gorillas laden with army supplies don’t swim very well. This disastrous military campaign, which resulted in the drowning deaths of some 300,000 gorilla troops, was followed by no reprisal from New Canada (who had no idea that it was even being invaded, so quickly was Muscellini’s plan foiled by the Atlantic Ocean), so that Muscellini’s control of the country was not totally lost.
However, emotionally distraught due to his failure, Muscellini went insane and, with a kidnapped blond human woman under his arm, scaled a miniature replica of New York’s Empire State building that had been installed on his vacation complex, and then fell 8 feet to his death after imagining that World War II aircraft were attacking him. Only his buxom kidnapping victim attending his funeral, so low was Muscellini’s current popularity.
At this time, New Canada finally received word of its invasion (or lack thereof) through an anonymous e-mail sent by a New Canadian sympathizer know by the pseudonym “Sheep Coat.” This treasonous scandal, known as “Muscellini-should’ve-never-tried-to-cross-the-Watergate”, resulted in 86 nuclear strikes on Zenatropian soil which completely obliterated every living thing on it’s surface. When asked by the press for comment on why such an unforgiving attack was warranted, New Canadian Prime Minister Calvin America Jr. replied that New Canada was simply “tired of always getting picked on” by more powerful nations. Thus ends the tragic history of a nation whose rise to such Olympian heights was rivaled only by its staggering fall from grace and its penchant for yellow fruit.